to remember in a confused form; muddle
a disordered mass, state, etc.
I don’t like jumbles. I am constantly trying to instill order on my surroundings. I am a chronic editor of my belongings. I throw out, give away and grant admittance to my home and life with great care. I would similarly discipline the events of my life and the lives of those I love. What a delusion.
I like to believe if I could just discern some reason or purpose in the disorder of life, then I could tolerate it better. I kick against the pricks, if only in my heart. My life is a battle of unwilling submission to the sometime incoherence of life. Understanding takes time.